October 23rd… Not to be read by anyone “cool”

Hey, sorry i didn’t email sooner, it’s true about the manifestations… they’re everywhere! It has started to cool down, so don’t worry or anything. Just a lot of tear gas in the air (nothing I haven’t seen before!) Ah, bad joke, i know.

I’m having a hard time actually right now, My roommate situation sucks (long story, but in brief: she had her “ex” boyfriend come to stay with us 3 weeks ago, because he needed a place to crash while looking for a place–he used to live here, but then they broke up… well obviously they’re back together now. About a week or two ago, I asked my roommate, Stella, what was going on, and we basically argued for 45 minutes in french about how for me is was really bothering me that he was there (and I mean there, like in the apartment more than me), and for her how she didn’t have a desire to kick her “best friend” out on the street… actually this argument took place after I had already told her that it was bothering me that he was staying here, and she talked to him, and afterward came back to me and told me that he said that if I had a problem with him to talk to him about it, and that he was going to stay here while he was looking for a place…. so anyways, it’s not really that interesting, I feel really disrespected, and like a stranger in my own home (which is the only place I have to call my own in this foreign land), and she just doesn’t seem to give a damn. A weird situation really, because I’ve never had to deal with a roommate inviting their friend to stay with them without checking with the other roommates first. And alas, three weeks later… and it’s not even a matter of money: rent, elec, water, etc (which she says he’ll contribute to)… it’s just so goddamn inappropriate in my mind, especially after i told her that I didn’t want him around, but i guess in france it’s normal to have a new roommate without checking with the old one first. And you have never heard two people louder at kissing before in your life. It’s really surprising. So long story short i’m looking for a new place, told her that i might need to leave too. According to her, he can’t afford to pay more than 100-200 euro’s a month! I’m like, well then he cant even afford to live here if i move out! How long will he be “looking for a place” ???

So now, i’m like sick for the third time since being here, want to find a new place asap (and i mean it was hard enough the first time). I start spring break today… but it’s actually been for like the past 4 days… since class has been canceled as a result of the manifestations (protests). I’ve got soooo much homework, and it’s getting to that point in my classes where I can’t bullshit it anymore because I have to write a papers, or do a presentation or both. I’m reading this really hard and confusing book by Balzac called Modest Mignon, and had to turn in an outline for my paper on monday, which I didn’t because I have no clue what to write about. So she said I could email it to her by the end of the week, which was yesterday, so now I might have to drop the class, I don’t know. But none of my other classes are that much easier…. it would be fine if I really knew what I wanted to do… had a goal or something that I was working towards, but all of this just seems like it’s in an attempt to become better at french (and for what means…?), and so in each course I’m putting more effort into learning new vocab, and being interested by the sentence structures, or I don’t know what (obsessing over how good my professor’s french accent is) instead of really learning the stuff. It’s hard to concentrate for two hours when you only understand a small percentage of what is being said, and I knew it would be, but it just sucks because I’m getting really behind.

Don’t worry about me or anything, it’s not like that. I mean I guess it would be better if I were a more well-established human being who could like function even in her own society (let alone, another)…. then french society might be possible to assimilate towards. I don’t know if that makes any sense. It’s just that certain principals and themes of life are seeming to be pretty universal, and sometimes they seem like the exact principals that I can’t seem to wrap my head around, or succeed at. I guess I just imagined that I would be able to come here and somehow make a community more easily than in the states, I don’t know I guess i thought france would change me, but I’m just the same as i ever was, i just can’t communicate! I don’t know it all always seems to come back to this juxtaposition between my 5 year old free spirit self that was obsessed with love and peace (remember?), and lisa’s obsession with “cool”. I’m not sure how much longer I can try and blame my problems on her, and I mean, I don’t really blame it on her at all, it’s just that I can’t make sense of this two-sided nature that I can never seem to bridge in myself–and for some reason it always comes back to this image of her. In some way, it feels to me like nothing i choose to do is my own decision, like i just make these decisions based on what other people have suggested to me… and that feeling makes me not want to decide anything. Either because I can’t without someone else’s opinion, or because I don’t want to if it is someone else’s opinion. I don’t know what that means. It all sounds like gibberish. Life just can’t be lived. Maybe it’s all of dad’s philosophy running through my blood that has me on the outskirts of everything all the time. You know the worst part though, it’s not even philosophy that i’m obsessed with. I’m taking this philo course and it’s not at all the discussion of these ideas. It’s like a science or a math that has rules, and theorems… I never realized that before. According to my prof (or what i think i understood him saying) the philosopher’s goal is to find the solution to a problem, not to try and discover truth. Which I find rather interested actually, of course since “truth” doesn’t really exist. But the problem is that the whole field in so man-centered as a result! We just spend our time analyzing some guy’s manifesto of ______ whatever. So of course there’s fem philo, in this day and age. But that just seems silly.

I know there’s no real solution, that will make me somehow more at ease. Shy of drugs of course (but I know you don’t like to hear me talk like that). I guess I just thought that after 23 years, I would have, even if only in the minutest of ways, moved on. Like grown up or something. Or just gained more perspective or confidence (that used to seem to be it). But I mean if I’m lacking confidence it’s only to the degree that I judge myself based on the way i perceive others perceiving me. And it’s not as if I can’t see the ridiculousness of that.
Don’t get me wrong or anything. People here talk to me, and want to be my friend and all that, but I just can’t get past thinking that they are such dorks (do you know what that word means?) I’m not sure they make that distinction here, because there are so many well dressed “dorks” (which kind of contradicts part of the definition) that seem content living the short lives they were put on this earth to live. But I guess that’s where it always come’s back to Lisa, and it’s not really her. I mean, it’s me too, but, i dunno I guess in the end i’m just too obsessed with myself. Too obsessed with how my life will look if someone decided t write a book about it–like in the Truman Show… remember when I was obsessed with believing that that was really happening to me?

What if i’m really a narcissist!

Can’t write anymore, going to drink this tea and try to feel better.
How’s Pam and the business? Anything else new? House is good?

Love! And really don’t worry about me or anything, you know how I can be sometimes… I just need to write about it, or talk about it. It’s hard to do that over here. A lot’s been bottling up I guess.


p.s. I’m gonna start a section on my blog called “letter’s to mom”. Not sure if this will continue to interest me or not, but i feel like it’s fine time to start taking note of these little glitches in my life, rather than just treating them as serving some necessary medicinal purpose. Does that make sense? I guess I just feel like I need to create something and if this letter is all I can do for now, well then ok. Besides my blog is turning to shit. I think the whole food theme was kind of short lived! That’s what happens when you move into a small french apartment with zero counter space and only an electric double top stove burner and a microwave for cooking. What is the point of a blog anyways? I really don’t get it. It’s like a resource for others, or like a way for someone to share useful tips? I don’t want it to turn into any sort of an electronic journal, but i think it could be interesting having a section with letter’s. We’ll see.


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